Here we are looking happy ;)

I love you, i don't like you

That about sums up me and mom. Things have been good for a while though, she even seemed to really be starting to like H but it was too good to last, of course. I wish I knew another couple who has "inlaws" like my parents. Mom is mean. She has polluted more than one relationship. I don't want her to make H bitter because she wont ever be able to win her over...not because she isn't an amazing person but because my mom historically has hated everyone I date. At least it doesn't bother or surprise me anymore.. at least I know she's wrong.

My love is not a flaw

I know I’m not perfect. I make mistakes, big ones. I don’t always work as hard as I should and I’m really disorganized. I can be petty, immature, selfish and narcissistic. I know this, I know who I am, but I also know that while I can BE those things I am NOT these things… and I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE.

Please, show me a person who isn’t some of those things, some of the time… that’s what being human is about… that’s what being 25 is about. Nobody is at their best all the time, if they are i’m sure they died at an early age of an ulcer or something.

Petty, immature, selfsih… flaws. GAY?

This. is. not. a. flaw.

I will not be ashamed.

If i live my life closeted then I tell the world I am ashamed, that I have something to hide. The only thing to be hidden is bigotry and I do not want to be involved with people who want me to hide who I am. I want kids, I want a family, I want a LIFE with my girlfriend and I am NOT ashamed of that. When we have kids, I won’t pretend I’m single just because two moms makes someone uncomfortable. I don’t get how you want me to hide something so important? What’s important isn’t that she’s a she, what’s important is that she makes me unbelievably happy.

My mom only had two kids, my and my drug addicted piece of shit brother whose ass she kisses. She wants grandkids, I'm the only kids she has who will ever have a normal family and at this rate, she isn't going to be part of it. I will not ever fight with my kids like this, or let them see this between me and my mother, EVER.

I wish i didn't live in Texas, I miss NYC where this wasn't a big deal.

Weekends

Yay for weekends, H is coming to town! Long distance... eh. I mean, I'm all for it in a new relationship, I think when you only have the phone and internet to communicate with you are forced, as a couple to actually learn things about each other instead of doing fun things like making out ;) It's been long enough, we know each other well enough, it's not like we didn't know each other before we dated... I've knowns her for 8years, it's only the relationship is new... and I'm ready to have her closer to me than 3 hours away. I have plans for us, plans that involve forever and I'm not going to sacrifice that just so we can be closer now- I really think our snails pace is what will make us last and be amazing but I'm tired of it too. I want her to live with me, now, not next summer. I want her to live near me, NOW not in June. I want our lives together to start already... I love that we are both mature enough to put work first.... but I miss her when she's away. When she moves here in June I'll be so busy with horses and campers I will hardly have time/energy to celebrate... Almost time to coach the 3yr olds.. this next class is the one where one of the girls fell off the deck on to the one bit of cement in the whole entire gym and knocked three teeth out. Today is her first day back and her dad wants to talk to me. She got hurt because she went where she had been told not to go but still... she's 3 and I'm pretty sure her dad is going to kill me.

Follow my life in pictures..

if you want to follow the horse and my professional life, check it @ thecityhorse.tumblr.com

A blog that isn't Tumblr

My tumblr is a little too public, I like having the followers and the support but... I don't need to broadcast everything to 1,000+ people.

I never thought twice about holding hands, kissing her on the cheek, being lovey in public... it never occured to me that my happiness would piss someone off... maybe now, being at my happiest I'm more aware of the stares, the sneers, the dirty looks and comments whispered behind hands that we are freaks. If I wasn't holding hands with my girlfriend most of these people would treating me with respect, even if it's only out of class initimidation... that sounds god awful but I'm aware of it... as a 20something white female Brooke Shields look alike I'm not really a big candidate for being discriminated against until you add in the Lesbian factor and while I used to carry my white girl privelege as a shield, I'm noticing that the effectivness is only in my mind, being gay erases anything positive about me, us, in the eyes of everyone.

I'm having a hard time coming to terms with that. Parents of students who love me as a coach would hate me as a person because I love; I am in love with another woman. Clients who respect me as a horse trainer would treat me as a second class citizen if they knew I wasn't the same as them... and I'm not secretive, I live my life out, but people are blind until it's in their face and I'm becoming more and more stressed and depressed over this... how could we ever have a baby knowing we would bring her in to a world where she will already be hated because of her two mom's? I want to be that family, happy baby, loving parents, stable home... but because I want that with H... we are going to hell, or are unfit to be parents?

I don't understand how our LOVE invokes so much hate.