This is not what I get to see every day for a while (this picture) so I just... look at all the pictures I have. And I haven't updated because I haven't wanted to. This blog was kind of my way to document a positive progression of my life and this, this is me standing still. I went in for a basic procedure, a medial branch nerve block. I woke up screaming. Something went wrong, no one knows what. Perhaps an impure substance (sodium bicarbonate vs lidocaine maybe) or maybe a major nerve branch was nipped or irritated. Whatever it was, it put me in the hospital for 5 days on some serious pain meds and still in horrible pain, I couldn't walk, lost control of my right leg, and if it weren't for my parents, a few of their amazing friends and for me, most unexpectedly, Heather... I don't know. I would have blown air through my iv and embolized, I was that miserable. Now, home, not walking, not at the farm, home alone with my mother.... I kind of wish I had.
I was using a walker and I'm happy to say I'm not any more. Thats a HUGE accomplishment. But every step hurts and while every increased does of neurontin decreases the pain my brain is fuzzy and I really have a hard time even staying awake. I'm between doses, 3 hours until my nightitme dose and I'm sort of awake enough to get this done, so far it's taken me 30 minutes to get this far. This sucks.
See that, that was a 20 minute break and I don't know what the point of writing this was. I'm freaking out. I can't move well, I hurt, I'm off balance, I'm watching my dad REALLY not be able to move and... I'm freaking out because what if this is my life? Am I always going to hurt like this? I know H thinks it's weird I think so far ahead (5 years isn't far away) but good lord, if I'm like this now, and I want kids then and I don't get better... is it even fair for me to have kids if I'm liked this? ESPECIALLY kids genetically related to me? They would be doomed to pain, my dad used to be an athlete, he played soccer for UCONN until he busted his shoulder and it was down hill from there. I started a little younger displacing a peice of my spine falling off the beam when I was 4. Then fractured growth plated in my heels from vaulting hard on them, then it was blown joints in my thumbs doing a basket toss cheerleading resulting in multiple surgeries. Then it was a torn meniscus in my left knee doing an X out cheerleading. Then I tore the same thing kayaking. Then I broke my wrist/elbow falling off a horse. Then I broke my wrist falling off a horse. Then I broke the same damn wrist falling off a horse. Then I got kicked in the back by a horse and cracked my scapula, dislocated my shoulder and broke mycollar bone. for the second time actually, I forgot to add the first time I broke it being flung over a jump. And I'm forgetting a lot because after a while breaking things got normal. I rode hard, and auction horses are crazy. You don't know what you are getting on till you get on it and even the ponies will kill you. Anyways... now, this.
My back. Facet syndrome. Something else we can't pin point. A torn labrum in my right hip in an injury I don't even remember. Pain I can't handle. Pain pills I can handle even less. Doctors I can;t afford and now maybe my parents can't afford either because my asshat drug addict brother keeps racking up bills at treatment centers then leaving them and fucking everyone over, plus leaving my parents with the bill cause you know, if they don't cure you, you still have to pay. with interest. I fucking hate him. I hate him. I hate that I share genes with, I hate that when I have kids, if I have kids which god, I just can't ever be ok with it any more, if i have kids they might be like him and I would have to kill it. (haha. should I joke about that? I am) but really... i can't handle it. I'm 25 and I guess this is me getting old but I don't see anyone else my age weaning themselves off a walker. And I can't have kids 1. if they are going to be in this much pain and 2. if they are going to wind up like my brother. And my parents, I mean no one is perfect but they did the very best they could and we had an awesome childhood. He has no reason for this.
I dont want to post about him but mom and dad are slamming around the house because of recent developments and while I don't blame them for being upset, me being stuck on my back makes me kind of a target though, mom gets mad and forgets this isn't a choice, I'm not being lazy. I wish I was at the farm, or the gym, or doing anything but laying on my back being a fucking slug.
I started this blog to track a positive progression towards the life I want to live. Different from the one I was raised in NOT THAT HOW I WAS RAISED WAS BAD... I just have some other ideas.
Some days I feel like everything is going right, I have the most amazing girlfriend who has handled this new injury or whatever with so much grace and love I can't even fathom why she's still with me, she's perfect, and that I found her when I did... when I was moments away from really believing that wasn't possible, that I couldn't feel anything for anyone, emotionally and.... you know, other ways too. And then there was her who I just couldn't resist and that sounds so cliche but I couldn't, as soon as she walked through the door my brain went blank. I could have said I love you the fist night we slept together except how stupid would that have been, I didn't know her really... but I knew I was going to love her, I already loved everything I has seen to that point. And so she thinks I like her because she fit into my plan... but... well I can't help that I plan, and I especially cannot help that she fits. perfectly.
But what doesn't fit is everything else. The back. The pain, the laying in bed...
I'm freaking out, I dont think this blog makes any sense at all. It took me all day to write.
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