you better practive happiness

Holiday's aren't her thing. Around the time I turned 14, holidays became stressful, and slowly they went from stressful to miserable, Mom didn't enjoy them, she was too caught up in just getting though them. It started with Christmas but after a while even birthday's weren't immune, my last several birthdays have been dramatic, painful, emotional memories and her's have been too... and here we are, her birthday.

your arrogance is gaining on you and so is eternity you better practice happiness you better practice humility you took the air, you took the time you were fed and you were free now you'd better put some beauty back while you got the energy

The brother is in rehab, strike one. She wanted a Pandora bracelet but dad wanted to surprise her with a trip to Puerto Rico that he got to busy to plan so she was supposed to plan it and didn't.. strike two. Now there's no trip and no bracelet... ULTIMATE STRIKE x100. Dad's scrambling but so far no luck and the day is almost over. At least we sent her flowers, I picked them out, Iris's... they are pretty. Anyways... I hope they DO go on vacation, even just to stay at the house in NM, they both need to get away & quick before Texas and it's hectic schedule eats them and their marriage whole. I know it's the expectation this kills holidays for her... how badly you want things to be picture perfect and ready for print and then being face with the obvious reality that even with the best intentions, it's not. I know she can't handle any more disappointment when daily reality is disappointing enough. Even if I'm wrong, I wish holidays didn't exist that no day was more important than another so that this was avoided completely.

H always talks about how fun birthdays are, I just find them stressful. Closer to 30, to being older than old, to being faced with the fact that my life is not going as planned that I'll be too old to have a baby w/o fertility treatments or something equally extreme and expensive that I'm just another year closer to being cripple, another day closer really. I'm not old enough to be this... old. I can't help being paranoid about my health- hi cancer- and I'm convinced by organ systems are just shutting down slowly. I know it sounds paranoid but I've even been mulling over the idea of going to see my OB/GYN, I haven't been in a few years and my cramps have become so extreme... it worries me. I can't fathom how devastated I would be if when H and I got to where we were ready to have baby I found out I couldn't... I don't want to have to fathom it. I know that my weight issues and disordered eating can play a serious issues too but I think that's only if you are underweight when you are ttc, i don't think prior weight issues play a part, I'm choosing to think that they don't because I am not ready to gain weight yet.

In barn news, had to drop 350$ on the stupid asshole jumper of mine to crib proof his stall. Effing airy, he's lucky he's cute. Mom wasn't thrilled about going with me for that, I know she likes the horses, sort of but she's effing judgmental about the money I spend on them. It's totally normal for someone to shit out thousands of dollars on a child but not on my horses... kinda hate to break it to her but as of right now, it looks like the horses are the only grandkids she's getting for a while.

Anyways, happy 57 birthday Mom.

for every hand extended another lies in wait

if there's anything i've learned all these years on my own it's how to find my own way there and how to find my own way back home

Being in the hospital kinda fucked up my posting groove. Oops. Someone hit the reset button on my life any ways, the hiatus was cleansing for the sake of the blog I guess.

Where to even start? For starters my back still blows, potentially (probably) it was the catalyst for everything that happened next. Camp started without any real hitch aside from breaking my thumb which was drama but that's not what this is about. Bad back, broken thumb, and then I stopped getting paid.. not suddenly, it was so gradual I didn't notice until suddenly my checks where 236$ for 7days a week work. At that point I guess I snapped. I talked to my Dad who is a VP at Blank Blank Ins. and he got me an interview which I nailed and landed a job as an underwriters assistant on track for finishing my degree (finally) and becoming an Underwriter... even outside of that there is an incredible amount of opportunity for promotion, it's a grade higher than the position my dad started with when he was my age and he does quite well. Anyways... I took the job, I quit the gym and the camp and the horses and... I packed my shit and moved back home. So starts the next chapter I'll call "J get's her shit together"

I moved the horses home, Airy is at HV, Jovie, Daphne & Dexter are in Little Mexico... YES JOVIE IS BACK!!!! I live home with my parents again, they just helped me pay off all of my debt so that I could pass the credit check for my job and I'll be paying them off for the rest of forever... I decided to get a head start on it and pay them in huge sums and just live at home. I'm 25, I have shit to do other than pay my parents back. Also, I hate owing them money.

H moved in with R (FINALLY SHE'S HERE) and it's so nice being only 30 minutes away instead of hours. I wish I was more enthusiastic about moving in with her now- it would make sense.. but I'm not. I DO want to live with her, my god I have all these plans... I just think you shouldn't move in with someone until you've been together a year.. AND when I move in with her, I want US to move into OUR place, not me move in with her in R. I like R lots, I think he's the coolest gay boy around but this thing with them living together, that's for them, they've planned it since they where tot's from what it sounds like and I'm not in any mood to be the asshole girlfriend who got in the way.

So, that's where we are on that. I love the crap out of her, I can't wait until we live together, except I can.. because I'd rather us be together for ever than live together now.

No one person has ever made me happier...