Holiday's aren't her thing. Around the time I turned 14, holidays became stressful, and slowly they went from stressful to miserable, Mom didn't enjoy them, she was too caught up in just getting though them. It started with Christmas but after a while even birthday's weren't immune, my last several birthdays have been dramatic, painful, emotional memories and her's have been too... and here we are, her birthday.
your arrogance is gaining on you and so is eternity you better practice happiness you better practice humility you took the air, you took the time you were fed and you were free now you'd better put some beauty back while you got the energy
The brother is in rehab, strike one. She wanted a Pandora bracelet but dad wanted to surprise her with a trip to Puerto Rico that he got to busy to plan so she was supposed to plan it and didn't.. strike two. Now there's no trip and no bracelet... ULTIMATE STRIKE x100. Dad's scrambling but so far no luck and the day is almost over. At least we sent her flowers, I picked them out, Iris's... they are pretty. Anyways... I hope they DO go on vacation, even just to stay at the house in NM, they both need to get away & quick before Texas and it's hectic schedule eats them and their marriage whole. I know it's the expectation this kills holidays for her... how badly you want things to be picture perfect and ready for print and then being face with the obvious reality that even with the best intentions, it's not. I know she can't handle any more disappointment when daily reality is disappointing enough. Even if I'm wrong, I wish holidays didn't exist that no day was more important than another so that this was avoided completely.
H always talks about how fun birthdays are, I just find them stressful. Closer to 30, to being older than old, to being faced with the fact that my life is not going as planned that I'll be too old to have a baby w/o fertility treatments or something equally extreme and expensive that I'm just another year closer to being cripple, another day closer really. I'm not old enough to be this... old. I can't help being paranoid about my health- hi cancer- and I'm convinced by organ systems are just shutting down slowly. I know it sounds paranoid but I've even been mulling over the idea of going to see my OB/GYN, I haven't been in a few years and my cramps have become so extreme... it worries me. I can't fathom how devastated I would be if when H and I got to where we were ready to have baby I found out I couldn't... I don't want to have to fathom it. I know that my weight issues and disordered eating can play a serious issues too but I think that's only if you are underweight when you are ttc, i don't think prior weight issues play a part, I'm choosing to think that they don't because I am not ready to gain weight yet.
In barn news, had to drop 350$ on the stupid asshole jumper of mine to crib proof his stall. Effing airy, he's lucky he's cute. Mom wasn't thrilled about going with me for that, I know she likes the horses, sort of but she's effing judgmental about the money I spend on them. It's totally normal for someone to shit out thousands of dollars on a child but not on my horses... kinda hate to break it to her but as of right now, it looks like the horses are the only grandkids she's getting for a while.
Anyways, happy 57 birthday Mom.
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