you better practive happiness

Holiday's aren't her thing. Around the time I turned 14, holidays became stressful, and slowly they went from stressful to miserable, Mom didn't enjoy them, she was too caught up in just getting though them. It started with Christmas but after a while even birthday's weren't immune, my last several birthdays have been dramatic, painful, emotional memories and her's have been too... and here we are, her birthday.

your arrogance is gaining on you and so is eternity you better practice happiness you better practice humility you took the air, you took the time you were fed and you were free now you'd better put some beauty back while you got the energy

The brother is in rehab, strike one. She wanted a Pandora bracelet but dad wanted to surprise her with a trip to Puerto Rico that he got to busy to plan so she was supposed to plan it and didn't.. strike two. Now there's no trip and no bracelet... ULTIMATE STRIKE x100. Dad's scrambling but so far no luck and the day is almost over. At least we sent her flowers, I picked them out, Iris's... they are pretty. Anyways... I hope they DO go on vacation, even just to stay at the house in NM, they both need to get away & quick before Texas and it's hectic schedule eats them and their marriage whole. I know it's the expectation this kills holidays for her... how badly you want things to be picture perfect and ready for print and then being face with the obvious reality that even with the best intentions, it's not. I know she can't handle any more disappointment when daily reality is disappointing enough. Even if I'm wrong, I wish holidays didn't exist that no day was more important than another so that this was avoided completely.

H always talks about how fun birthdays are, I just find them stressful. Closer to 30, to being older than old, to being faced with the fact that my life is not going as planned that I'll be too old to have a baby w/o fertility treatments or something equally extreme and expensive that I'm just another year closer to being cripple, another day closer really. I'm not old enough to be this... old. I can't help being paranoid about my health- hi cancer- and I'm convinced by organ systems are just shutting down slowly. I know it sounds paranoid but I've even been mulling over the idea of going to see my OB/GYN, I haven't been in a few years and my cramps have become so extreme... it worries me. I can't fathom how devastated I would be if when H and I got to where we were ready to have baby I found out I couldn't... I don't want to have to fathom it. I know that my weight issues and disordered eating can play a serious issues too but I think that's only if you are underweight when you are ttc, i don't think prior weight issues play a part, I'm choosing to think that they don't because I am not ready to gain weight yet.

In barn news, had to drop 350$ on the stupid asshole jumper of mine to crib proof his stall. Effing airy, he's lucky he's cute. Mom wasn't thrilled about going with me for that, I know she likes the horses, sort of but she's effing judgmental about the money I spend on them. It's totally normal for someone to shit out thousands of dollars on a child but not on my horses... kinda hate to break it to her but as of right now, it looks like the horses are the only grandkids she's getting for a while.

Anyways, happy 57 birthday Mom.

for every hand extended another lies in wait

if there's anything i've learned all these years on my own it's how to find my own way there and how to find my own way back home

Being in the hospital kinda fucked up my posting groove. Oops. Someone hit the reset button on my life any ways, the hiatus was cleansing for the sake of the blog I guess.

Where to even start? For starters my back still blows, potentially (probably) it was the catalyst for everything that happened next. Camp started without any real hitch aside from breaking my thumb which was drama but that's not what this is about. Bad back, broken thumb, and then I stopped getting paid.. not suddenly, it was so gradual I didn't notice until suddenly my checks where 236$ for 7days a week work. At that point I guess I snapped. I talked to my Dad who is a VP at Blank Blank Ins. and he got me an interview which I nailed and landed a job as an underwriters assistant on track for finishing my degree (finally) and becoming an Underwriter... even outside of that there is an incredible amount of opportunity for promotion, it's a grade higher than the position my dad started with when he was my age and he does quite well. Anyways... I took the job, I quit the gym and the camp and the horses and... I packed my shit and moved back home. So starts the next chapter I'll call "J get's her shit together"

I moved the horses home, Airy is at HV, Jovie, Daphne & Dexter are in Little Mexico... YES JOVIE IS BACK!!!! I live home with my parents again, they just helped me pay off all of my debt so that I could pass the credit check for my job and I'll be paying them off for the rest of forever... I decided to get a head start on it and pay them in huge sums and just live at home. I'm 25, I have shit to do other than pay my parents back. Also, I hate owing them money.

H moved in with R (FINALLY SHE'S HERE) and it's so nice being only 30 minutes away instead of hours. I wish I was more enthusiastic about moving in with her now- it would make sense.. but I'm not. I DO want to live with her, my god I have all these plans... I just think you shouldn't move in with someone until you've been together a year.. AND when I move in with her, I want US to move into OUR place, not me move in with her in R. I like R lots, I think he's the coolest gay boy around but this thing with them living together, that's for them, they've planned it since they where tot's from what it sounds like and I'm not in any mood to be the asshole girlfriend who got in the way.

So, that's where we are on that. I love the crap out of her, I can't wait until we live together, except I can.. because I'd rather us be together for ever than live together now.

No one person has ever made me happier...

i know my body is as restless as my mind..

This is not what I get to see every day for a while (this picture) so I just... look at all the pictures I have. And I haven't updated because I haven't wanted to. This blog was kind of my way to document a positive progression of my life and this, this is me standing still.

I went in for a basic procedure, a medial branch nerve block. I woke up screaming. Something went wrong, no one knows what. Perhaps an impure substance (sodium bicarbonate vs lidocaine maybe) or maybe a major nerve branch was nipped or irritated. Whatever it was, it put me in the hospital for 5 days on some serious pain meds and still in horrible pain, I couldn't walk, lost control of my right leg, and if it weren't for my parents, a few of their amazing friends and for me, most unexpectedly, Heather... I don't know. I would have blown air through my iv and embolized, I was that miserable. Now, home, not walking, not at the farm, home alone with my mother.... I kind of wish I had.

I was using a walker and I'm happy to say I'm not any more. Thats a HUGE accomplishment. But every step hurts and while every increased does of neurontin decreases the pain my brain is fuzzy and I really have a hard time even staying awake. I'm between doses, 3 hours until my nightitme dose and I'm sort of awake enough to get this done, so far it's taken me 30 minutes to get this far. This sucks.

See that, that was a 20 minute break and I don't know what the point of writing this was. I'm freaking out. I can't move well, I hurt, I'm off balance, I'm watching my dad REALLY not be able to move and... I'm freaking out because what if this is my life? Am I always going to hurt like this? I know H thinks it's weird I think so far ahead (5 years isn't far away) but good lord, if I'm like this now, and I want kids then and I don't get better... is it even fair for me to have kids if I'm liked this? ESPECIALLY kids genetically related to me? They would be doomed to pain, my dad used to be an athlete, he played soccer for UCONN until he busted his shoulder and it was down hill from there. I started a little younger displacing a peice of my spine falling off the beam when I was 4. Then fractured growth plated in my heels from vaulting hard on them, then it was blown joints in my thumbs doing a basket toss cheerleading resulting in multiple surgeries. Then it was a torn meniscus in my left knee doing an X out cheerleading. Then I tore the same thing kayaking. Then I broke my wrist/elbow falling off a horse. Then I broke my wrist falling off a horse. Then I broke the same damn wrist falling off a horse. Then I got kicked in the back by a horse and cracked my scapula, dislocated my shoulder and broke mycollar bone. for the second time actually, I forgot to add the first time I broke it being flung over a jump. And I'm forgetting a lot because after a while breaking things got normal. I rode hard, and auction horses are crazy. You don't know what you are getting on till you get on it and even the ponies will kill you. Anyways... now, this.

My back. Facet syndrome. Something else we can't pin point. A torn labrum in my right hip in an injury I don't even remember. Pain I can't handle. Pain pills I can handle even less. Doctors I can;t afford and now maybe my parents can't afford either because my asshat drug addict brother keeps racking up bills at treatment centers then leaving them and fucking everyone over, plus leaving my parents with the bill cause you know, if they don't cure you, you still have to pay. with interest. I fucking hate him. I hate him. I hate that I share genes with, I hate that when I have kids, if I have kids which god, I just can't ever be ok with it any more, if i have kids they might be like him and I would have to kill it. (haha. should I joke about that? I am) but really... i can't handle it. I'm 25 and I guess this is me getting old but I don't see anyone else my age weaning themselves off a walker. And I can't have kids 1. if they are going to be in this much pain and 2. if they are going to wind up like my brother. And my parents, I mean no one is perfect but they did the very best they could and we had an awesome childhood. He has no reason for this.

I dont want to post about him but mom and dad are slamming around the house because of recent developments and while I don't blame them for being upset, me being stuck on my back makes me kind of a target though, mom gets mad and forgets this isn't a choice, I'm not being lazy. I wish I was at the farm, or the gym, or doing anything but laying on my back being a fucking slug.

I started this blog to track a positive progression towards the life I want to live. Different from the one I was raised in NOT THAT HOW I WAS RAISED WAS BAD... I just have some other ideas.

Some days I feel like everything is going right, I have the most amazing girlfriend who has handled this new injury or whatever with so much grace and love I can't even fathom why she's still with me, she's perfect, and that I found her when I did... when I was moments away from really believing that wasn't possible, that I couldn't feel anything for anyone, emotionally and.... you know, other ways too. And then there was her who I just couldn't resist and that sounds so cliche but I couldn't, as soon as she walked through the door my brain went blank. I could have said I love you the fist night we slept together except how stupid would that have been, I didn't know her really... but I knew I was going to love her, I already loved everything I has seen to that point. And so she thinks I like her because she fit into my plan... but... well I can't help that I plan, and I especially cannot help that she fits. perfectly.

But what doesn't fit is everything else. The back. The pain, the laying in bed...

I'm freaking out, I dont think this blog makes any sense at all. It took me all day to write.

Jasper the wonder horse... and bodyguard

I have to share this… I’m just a little bit in awe right now.

This picture I took from way on the other side of the field and didn’t really see what I was shooting until I put them on my computer. I thought maybe it was just a fluke shot and Jasper wasn’t actually doing what it looks like he’s doing but it looks like he’s protecting Daphne and tonight I saw up close very in your face proof… and Airy is still shaking his head.

Airy did great turning out with them, he dealt with being ignored by annoying the shit out of the pony trying to sniff her. She ran circles around Jasper keeping away and he some how kept himself between the two and it was clearly intentional. Tonight I heard the pony squealing, got paranoid about coyotes and decided to bring her and Jasper inside. I went to catch them and went for the pony first I started to walk off with her and Airy began to follow… almost instantly Jasper turned and was in his face and Airy promptly stopped, I think out of shock. I at this point am walking backward leading the pony watching this. Jasper walks his circle, Airy starts to follow us, this time at his cranky trot and Jasper at a bucking gallop charged Airy in the face, bit him and then stood like a brick wall. Airy responded by yelling like a dinosaur and running off into the darkness. Jasper sensed victory and trotted up behind Daphne and followed her into the barn and then went and stood by his closed stall.

o.O

An open green pasture, a bitchy pony and Jasper is a new horse. It amazes me he can't see, I couldn't believe how many different ways he's adapted to his blindness.... and I have no idea how he knew where Airy was to charge him.

When I got them into the barn I put Daphne in her stall first and then put Jasper in his. He’s been running into his wall divind them since then and I am kind of worried about that… he’s way to attached. I’d leave them together but I don’t want her to surprise me with a foal and then he trample it cause he’s blind.

mini break barn talk

Jasper and the pony are a match made in horsey heaven. She's a little bitch but is so sweet to him, and he likes having a lady around so much he actually bucked a little when I turned them out today which is a really good sign.. the fact that he is happy and comfortable enough to jump makes me so happy. I'm going to add Airy to the herd this evening after dinner, I feel like the three of them are all outcasts in the normal groups so maybe together they can make their own field.

It's almost the kentucky derby! I'm not looking forward to it near as much as I was but I think it was just miscommunication, I'm not upset about it. I kinda was... but eh, there are just so many other more important things on my mind right now. I have to help at the shop tonigh

t packaging the stable vests and saddle towels for the big race, it's a little bit exciting being such a direct (if overlooked & very small) part of such a historic race. I'm not looking forward to the extra hours though... unless I make good money but I probably won't.

Today has been such a pretty day so obviously I had a ton to get done... it's 3pm and I'm finally sitting down for a nice break and I don't think I've spoke a word to anyone all day, it gets pretty lonely except for the horses. It's especially hard on Tuesdays because I get so used to having H here Sunday and Monday.. It's nice when she's here, she actually enjoys (I think?) some of the farm stuff and I know it's not the most exciting life but at least it's pretty and I think she sees that. I like watching her have conversations with the horses, it's pretty adorable and they all really like her probably because she doesn't make them do anything, she just loves on them and gives them treats. This is going to be my life forever... the horses and the barn etc and i

t's really nice to know that she really is ok with being part of that. I want her to be able to have Dabber eventually. He's got a ways to go, he's so fresh off track but I feel like he's super sane and quiet and she loves him lots.. Boomer is a nice learning horse but I like fancy, Dabber is fancy.

It's almost time to feed, I'm going to take a super quick nap. I gave Airy and

Dabber baths & fly treatments today and Airy already rolled... I should give him another bath just to piss him off. He's such an ass. I'm kind of tired of his bad attitude lately... I know it's because we haven't been jumping, he isn't in consistent training and I'm still feeding him up.. he's bored and hyper and 8, he should be showing his prime but we are still a year and a half behind because of injury and lack of time.. I feel badly about that, he's so incredible he should be working forward right now not getting fat and squishy in a field with a blind horse and knocked up hussy of a shetland.

girlfriend weekend!

it's girlfriend weekend! And I'm going to Falls! It's going to be really nice to get out of Mckinney & away from the farm too...

All I have to do before I leave is teach and hopefully get my car inspected (I REALLY can't afford to get pulled over right now..)

I FINALLY got the rest of my ebay stuff in... can't wait to dress Airy up in his pretty new stuff!!!! I'm most excited about the trail riding saddle pad w/ water proof pockets. How convenient :D

insomnia speaks

It's almost midnight and I have to be at the gym fairly early tomorrow morning to teach the youngest of my classes and here I am wide awake. This is becoming more and more a theme as bad dreams are becoming more and more frequent and I don't want to fall asleep.

Bad dreams have been just another part of my life since I don't know how long and I am not really upset by them, I just don't like waking up from them and it always take me a minute to separate what happens in dreams to what is actually happening in real life.

Anyways, I don't want to talk about them, I'd just like them to stop and the only reason I'm having them is because I'm fucking stressed and tired and whenever I am really tired my body says hey, nows a good time for that insomnia to kick in. arrhhh.

Let's talk about Jasper. He's doing REALLY well in TK in the camp horse paddock and I am really really proud of him for being so brave. I wonder how much he can see and what other sense he's using to get around because for being as close to totally blind without being totally blind as he is... he gets around REALLY well... he avoids hitting fences and trees especially well for not seeing them. I saw a biker who was blind and used a human form of echolocation... maybe Jasper has some neat system too. It makes me really mad that he wouldn't be blind if the trailer driver hadn't been drunk, he was a really talented horse and then he was worthless to his old owners. When I bought him I thought he would be a useless pet I have no idea what I thought I was going to do with him after I boug

ht him... but then he has turned out to be the best lesson horse IN THE WORLD.

Now, the horses are.. two rescues, Jasper(appaloosa) and Daphne(shetlandX).. Boomer (quarter horse)... Apollo friesien/appaloosa X and Airy, Rogue, and Atlas (thoroughbreds.. OTTB) and then the colts, Rumor, Luke & Tripp, the filly Teddy and the two retired broodmares Truvie and Luisa. Then of course there is Sugar the goat who is a gypsy.. she goes where ever she wants but mostly sticks with Apollo. We have 4 empty pastures and I'm trying to lease them out to other retired horses like the broodmares to make a bit of extra $ for the farm. The colts should be moving on to trainers soon, so should the filly. Once they go I'm going to really rearrange the horses and get them into groups of 3.. Rogue, Boomer Apollo.. Jasper, Airy, Apollo.. the rest I'm not sure of.

Anyways I should try to sleep.