girlfriend weekend!

it's girlfriend weekend! And I'm going to Falls! It's going to be really nice to get out of Mckinney & away from the farm too...

All I have to do before I leave is teach and hopefully get my car inspected (I REALLY can't afford to get pulled over right now..)

I FINALLY got the rest of my ebay stuff in... can't wait to dress Airy up in his pretty new stuff!!!! I'm most excited about the trail riding saddle pad w/ water proof pockets. How convenient :D

insomnia speaks

It's almost midnight and I have to be at the gym fairly early tomorrow morning to teach the youngest of my classes and here I am wide awake. This is becoming more and more a theme as bad dreams are becoming more and more frequent and I don't want to fall asleep.

Bad dreams have been just another part of my life since I don't know how long and I am not really upset by them, I just don't like waking up from them and it always take me a minute to separate what happens in dreams to what is actually happening in real life.

Anyways, I don't want to talk about them, I'd just like them to stop and the only reason I'm having them is because I'm fucking stressed and tired and whenever I am really tired my body says hey, nows a good time for that insomnia to kick in. arrhhh.

Let's talk about Jasper. He's doing REALLY well in TK in the camp horse paddock and I am really really proud of him for being so brave. I wonder how much he can see and what other sense he's using to get around because for being as close to totally blind without being totally blind as he is... he gets around REALLY well... he avoids hitting fences and trees especially well for not seeing them. I saw a biker who was blind and used a human form of echolocation... maybe Jasper has some neat system too. It makes me really mad that he wouldn't be blind if the trailer driver hadn't been drunk, he was a really talented horse and then he was worthless to his old owners. When I bought him I thought he would be a useless pet I have no idea what I thought I was going to do with him after I boug

ht him... but then he has turned out to be the best lesson horse IN THE WORLD.

Now, the horses are.. two rescues, Jasper(appaloosa) and Daphne(shetlandX).. Boomer (quarter horse)... Apollo friesien/appaloosa X and Airy, Rogue, and Atlas (thoroughbreds.. OTTB) and then the colts, Rumor, Luke & Tripp, the filly Teddy and the two retired broodmares Truvie and Luisa. Then of course there is Sugar the goat who is a gypsy.. she goes where ever she wants but mostly sticks with Apollo. We have 4 empty pastures and I'm trying to lease them out to other retired horses like the broodmares to make a bit of extra $ for the farm. The colts should be moving on to trainers soon, so should the filly. Once they go I'm going to really rearrange the horses and get them into groups of 3.. Rogue, Boomer Apollo.. Jasper, Airy, Apollo.. the rest I'm not sure of.

Anyways I should try to sleep.

Pony news, rizotomy and other things

Well, Daphne is knocked up. I think so anyways. Did I already post about this? I swear to Dog I have alzheimers. Sorry H, I really may be your Meredith instead of your Callie.

We thought she was much closer to giving birth than she is, so now she's at the farm in TK being a cranky prego eating grass and terrorizing the goat who really only wants to be her friend. Don't make friends with a prima dona. I'm really happy she's safe in TK now as opposed to being in Plano which now that all my horses are out of their I can recognize it as the hell hole it is and I feel terrible I ever subjected me horse to that.
All the kids love her though, she did great on her first lesson and I can't wait for this summer when she's all groomed and pretty and with a precious baby angel at her side. I don't know if I will keep the baby or not. H wants to, and for her, I might. Plus... it's kind of precious that both these little ponies, assuming I keep the baby, will be what our kids learn to ride on. I love Daphne for that, if I had a kid already and was looking for a pony she would have been what I wanted... so, win win situation over her. If the baby is as cute as she is than how much fun will it be breeding, raising and training the horse my future kid will show? I love it. I'm a fucking geek.

I'm having the rizotomy done on my back, it's official. I'm happy about it, but more than anything I'm kind of devastated... not that I am having it done but that I HAVE to have it done to function normally. I'm 25 and that is not fair. Why is my body so busted up? Yeah I have had a bunch of injuries but this isn't fair.

How much longer till H lives here? Too long. I'm in a bad mood and she's 2.5 hours away, all I want to do is go hug her, hard, and then go about my day. Thats all I need, and she's too far away. And when she is here... well i'm stressing about that too but I'll save that for another post.

Daphne the Pony!

Holy potato, we got a pony!!!

I used to work for Crowley's Horse Auction and my old boss, Alice came in to town to buy cutting horses at the Fort Worth Stockyards and see the NCHA finals. She went to the consignment auction and saw this unbelievably adorable little mare who when the guy walked her in, he then stood on her back and cracked a bull whip off her... she didn't flinch. Good pony. Alice knows me really well, knows I like what she calls "exotics" and bid on her knowing I'd take her in two hot seconds. Which I did.

I got to the stockyards the next day and went to look at her... brought H.. maybe a mistake, she's never been to a sale yard and I did not prepare her properly. The first pen we walked up to was a kill pen.. not directly of course, you can't sell horses to kill anymore but you know where they will end up. The pen was maybe 15x15, dirt with cement water troughs that where not only empty but unplugged... water had no way of staying in even if someone wanted to fill it. No food, just dust. 7 horses where crammed in, all older & swaybacked except for one that looked like a fairly well bred standardbred in need of serious groceries. The pen next to them was same size and set up & had three palomino yearlings I couldn't even try to guess the breed of because they where so shrimpy from malnourishment. Across from them was Daphne, my pony and in the situation she looked just as pathetic as everyone else... we hoped that was situational but upon closer inspection she's in terrible shape. Her heels don't exist, her frog is completely compacted. She's got thrush in all four feet. She was 4 inches overgrown. She's about 75 pounds underweight and considering the size that's a pretty significant amount, the weight issue is probably only because she's wormy though. Finally, it's obvious that someone put a saddle on her, tight, and left it. She has bloody open cinch gulls and rot from the saddle staying on her back too long. I think she was probably on a pony wheel or something similar.

Personality, she's stand offish right now, but that didn't stop her from standing in the middle of our conversation the day we got her.. she will open up a lot I think.

I need to measure and see how tall she is, we've been trying to figure out the breed, the one time I rode her she seemed gaited but we where on weird footing. Can't wait to be back near Vale so I can go play with her.

an observation on bugs and baby kitty!

I'm waiting for H to finish lunch with her friends so that we can go look at a pony @ the fort worth stockyards. National Velvet is on tcm right now... my favorite movie of all time, ever. Anyways, Mike, the trainer lives in this precious loft thingy in the barn right next to Pie's stall.

It's adorable and his blankets are just laying there like spiders aren't going to find their way in and that stresses me out.

My apartment is attached to the barn and I don't like turning lights on bright after dark because the bugs are just ridiculous. H has a heart attack every time she's just getting better at hiding it. They have only just started being bad but still... I'm jealous of Mike in the barn before bugs.

After we go see the pony we are going to pick up Lilly our 3wk old rescue kitten. Kind of excited :)

Also... watching Elizabeth Taylor/Velvet Brown and I'm crying just a little bit... She's the first true idol of mine who I actually remember being alive.. Lucille Ball and Audrey Hepburn, even Katherin Hepburn I barely remember but Elizabeth Taylor is the reason I loved horses, National Velvet is what really made me fall in love with the sport and I don't know... because of that I guess I have sort of a special fondness for her as an equestrian.

"I hate the feeling that not everything is possible"

Ah. My life.

I'm not near as upset as I am acting, I guess thats exhaustion talking. I can't change the past, it's not like me to be ashamed.

So, today I'm going to maybe buy a pony with money I shouldn't be spending but I REALLY want a pony, need a pony. Something that could be a unicorn like Jewel was. Kids like unicorns, I like moneymakers ;)

I am terrified of dying young. I want to cram everything in, I'm terrified of my parents dying or my grandparents dying and not being proud of me for something. I guess H thinks I rush... but I'm 25, before I was 21 I was told I was going to die and I didn't.... I take life seriously, and the time I might not have. Not that she doesn't. But I know how close death is, I could relapse whenever C feels like coming back... or die in a car crash like Corbins friend did ON HER BIRTHDAY, yesterday. It's not up to me, what is up to me is what I do with my life while I'm healthy and here. That I might NOT get to do everything... makes me panic. It makes me sad, I can't help that I plan everything so I know that it's going to happen, even if not soon, I'm planning it and somehow that will keep it from being taken from me.

I don't get it either, don't worry :)

can't we just erase the past?

I wish I could say I understood every choice I make, I don't.

I wish I could say I stand behind every choice I've made, I can't.

I learned along time ago thought that if i don't ever tell anyone about the past, then the only person it lives in is me, and I can forget almost anything... but I made a mistake and I said to much and H did more math than I planned on and I can't get passed the creepy crawly feeling that she knows my darkest moment.

Maybe not my darkest, I've done some very bad things. But.. this, this was something I may have controlled a tiny bit, creating the scenario I guess... I didn't have any control over what happened and what happened was the worst memory I still can't block out.

I've methodically forgotten my life, little things, important things that make me sad I know they where there, I remember... but the images, sounds... everything, even names and faces sometimes... gone. I did that, I did that on purpose and I've worked on it every day since I was small. I don't want to see my past, and now this, H knows and now it won't ever be gone I won't be able to forget.

I feel disgusting.

She thinks it's ok she knows that it's good and that I'm ok now... but i'm not. I'm freaking out, I want to be out of my skin.

if yesterday was busy, today is hell.

Ahh those 30 minutes of calm before I start rushing around the farm like a mad woman.

Today is Peytons big day, he's moving to Plano, we gave him to Judi finally after lots of debate... she's promised to keep him on the same food we have him on currently and I know i'll be able to follow his progress.

Since the two barns are a few hours apart I've decided to move Jasper tonight instead of next month as well. I hate loosing the money I paid for him to be there but I dont feel like stressing about moving him later on. Plus, I never see him any more, and this farm is way, way nicer, I want him on good grass and with Apollo.

Today's Todo

1. Move Teddy & Atlas
2. Find water buckets
3. Strip Rumor & Tripps stalls
4. Pick the other stalls!
5. Ace peyton @ 10
6. Turn Dabber & Airy out for 30
7. Hand graze Tripp
   
8. Tuck everyone in for the Storms
9. Load and Deliver Peyton
10. Homeschoolers Gymnastics and Coaching till 8!
11. Loading Jasper, delivering him to TBE.

I should be done by midnight. EH.

On another, much more happy not.. it's almost girlfriend weekend! AND WE GET 5 WHOLE DAYS THIS TIME!

A busy day at the farm, more nightmares & TO-DO

It's a pretty morning on the farm, I took 1/2 my adhd medication so I know I'm going to get a ridiculous amount done, I can take a moment to sit down and blog. I'm going to try and start recording to-do lists here too... I like looks at old to do lists, I like knowing my day to day in the past, weird?

The picture is Airy & Teddy. Airy is my personal Jumper, he's 8 and sassy. Teddy is his 2yr old half sister. She's since ditched this field too the one behind it. See that looping white line? The one that looks like it's coming undone? That's why she could switch pastures... the effing tape comes loose any time it's windy. I live in the middle of Texas, ITS ALWAYS WINDY. 25% of my day is dedicated to fixing fences.

H keeps having these off nightmares.. I figured out what thay are about.. me leaving her for my best friend, who happens to be a guy. C is awesome, but really? I know it bothers her that he and I slept together. ONCE. I never imagined the psychological effect this would have on her though... I guess it's because of all the straight girls she "dated" who eventually went back to boys. I don't know. That's not me. I wish she would stop associating me with that, sub conscious or not. Only time, only time. It's a lame fucking mantra. I guess he's out for a bd haha. She's only said a million times she wants it to be someone as far removed from us as possible. I get it.

C is on his was here actually... He comes every Wednesday-Thursday.

Today:

1. Move Apollo and Boomer to Rogue's pasture
2. Strip Tripp's stall
3. Pick Airy, Dabber & Rumors stalls
4. Bail Gelding pasture troughs
5. Show groom Rogue, Apollo, Boomer & Airy
6. Brush out Tripp, Rumor, Luke, Dabber
7. Pasture groom Truvie & Luisa
8. TexasBestEquestrian blog
9. C's paper

And away I go..

Life at the farm, and avoiding the doctor.

It's finally not windy at the farm and while I should be enjoying this time riding... I'm sitting on my bum blogging because I rolled my stupid ankle, again. Because rolling it twice in a short period of time is... fantastic.

The picture is Airy. I'll do a post about him one day soon. I should maybe do a little bio on all the horses here. Not that any one reads this, it will be fun when I'm old.

All the horses are fed, stalls are mucked and Tripp, LC, Rumor, Dabber and Airy are all inside for the night. Tripp will be in for a while now since he's come up lame, and of course he has... he WAS supposed to leave for the trainers soon.

All day it's been like musical pastures. First I woke up to Tripp not in his stall, I guess he got fed up with being in all day yesterday and busted out. Silly thoroughbred mouths can work any lock. Lucky me he didn't go to far, just to the nearest green grass. When I went to get him I noticed Teddy wasn't in her pasture with Rogue... she went UNDER the fence to join the geldings and her brother Atlas. Decided to leave her there since now that Atlas is occupied with a lady Boomer and Apollo aren't getting picked on.... this all leaves on small problem though, Rogues broken heart.

Hopefully we will find a sweet little paint mare for Tricia that can be his new soulmate since Teddy is a hussy.

Airy is slowly but surely gaining weight, I can't see so much of his ribs now and this is why we decided NOT to give Peyton to Judi. As a trainer I have full faith in her, but the barn is not good enough for any of our horses, I won't be bringing Airy back either... love the location and the people, hate the lack of grass. And the dust. And Peyton would freak like Airy and Atlas did and loose a ton of weight which is wrong to do to the horse. If we where a OTTB rescue a home visit would be required and NO ONE would pass those pastures. So, maybe I have another horse to show... when I get money to do it again :/

Tripp being lame kinda sucks, I hope it's just an abscess.

H had a nightmare and she won't tell me what about but it's put her in a weird mood... she said she would tell me if it was bothering her still when she got home. Besides thinking it's funny she puts so much into what dreams mean, I wish she would stop dreaming bad things about me! I know it's out of some insecurity she isn't speaking up about and I wish she knew how much I love her.... I know I've dated, loved two people before her... but at 25 that's kind of the norm and considering I was with them each for well over a year I should hope I loved them! It would mean something was horribly wrong if I didn't... and loving them doesn't somehow make insignificant how much I love her. If I hadn't fallen in love, then out of love with Molly and Jacline I wouldn't know how REAL falling in love with her was.

I wish she didn't worry so much. I guess only time can fix that.

AND the doctor.. I don't want to go. So I'm not. The end.

no answers

Ultrasound showed a seriously inflamed lymphnode and I have been put on a super tough antibiotic that is making me feel like crap for 10 days to see if it helps reduce inflamation at all... if it does, undetected and unknown but also unimportant inefection... if not.. we start testing for real. fun times. There is this dad in the gym super baby talking this tiny baby, it's kind of precious. The baby could not be any less interested in him. It's girlfriend weekend! How many more of these till H lives here? I need to start an official count. I'm tired, and tired of people. I want to go back to the farm and my horses. I want to know why I am so tired. In other news, my level 3's did fantastic at their meet last night, I had to be in the gym coaching so I couldn't go... friday night meets suck.

chart up your insides

Once upon a time I had cancer. A really weird chemo and radiation reistant kind that resulted first in a death sentence and then, thanks to same brilliant doctors, a massive surgery to remove it along with most of my trachea. Every cough makes me nervous now because thats how it all started.. with a cough. I don't have the same cough, I have A cough, which I always have. What I do have however is lump in my throat, under my chin.. that area. It makes me nervous, it makes H nervous so I finally went to the dr. today and of course it made her nervous too... so off to the radiology to find out just what it is. Now, history shows that is will be nothing. Millions of scares, only ONE has been cancer so no reason for this silly little lump to be any different but I'm nervous anyways. It's there and it shouldn't be... that scares me, even if it's nothing. My appt is 4:15 which makes 4:20 a little hard to hit today, and no joke, I need the anxiety help :(