"I hate the feeling that not everything is possible"

Ah. My life.

I'm not near as upset as I am acting, I guess thats exhaustion talking. I can't change the past, it's not like me to be ashamed.

So, today I'm going to maybe buy a pony with money I shouldn't be spending but I REALLY want a pony, need a pony. Something that could be a unicorn like Jewel was. Kids like unicorns, I like moneymakers ;)

I am terrified of dying young. I want to cram everything in, I'm terrified of my parents dying or my grandparents dying and not being proud of me for something. I guess H thinks I rush... but I'm 25, before I was 21 I was told I was going to die and I didn't.... I take life seriously, and the time I might not have. Not that she doesn't. But I know how close death is, I could relapse whenever C feels like coming back... or die in a car crash like Corbins friend did ON HER BIRTHDAY, yesterday. It's not up to me, what is up to me is what I do with my life while I'm healthy and here. That I might NOT get to do everything... makes me panic. It makes me sad, I can't help that I plan everything so I know that it's going to happen, even if not soon, I'm planning it and somehow that will keep it from being taken from me.

I don't get it either, don't worry :)