can't we just erase the past?

I wish I could say I understood every choice I make, I don't.

I wish I could say I stand behind every choice I've made, I can't.

I learned along time ago thought that if i don't ever tell anyone about the past, then the only person it lives in is me, and I can forget almost anything... but I made a mistake and I said to much and H did more math than I planned on and I can't get passed the creepy crawly feeling that she knows my darkest moment.

Maybe not my darkest, I've done some very bad things. But.. this, this was something I may have controlled a tiny bit, creating the scenario I guess... I didn't have any control over what happened and what happened was the worst memory I still can't block out.

I've methodically forgotten my life, little things, important things that make me sad I know they where there, I remember... but the images, sounds... everything, even names and faces sometimes... gone. I did that, I did that on purpose and I've worked on it every day since I was small. I don't want to see my past, and now this, H knows and now it won't ever be gone I won't be able to forget.

I feel disgusting.

She thinks it's ok she knows that it's good and that I'm ok now... but i'm not. I'm freaking out, I want to be out of my skin.