you better practive happiness

Holiday's aren't her thing. Around the time I turned 14, holidays became stressful, and slowly they went from stressful to miserable, Mom didn't enjoy them, she was too caught up in just getting though them. It started with Christmas but after a while even birthday's weren't immune, my last several birthdays have been dramatic, painful, emotional memories and her's have been too... and here we are, her birthday.

your arrogance is gaining on you and so is eternity you better practice happiness you better practice humility you took the air, you took the time you were fed and you were free now you'd better put some beauty back while you got the energy

The brother is in rehab, strike one. She wanted a Pandora bracelet but dad wanted to surprise her with a trip to Puerto Rico that he got to busy to plan so she was supposed to plan it and didn't.. strike two. Now there's no trip and no bracelet... ULTIMATE STRIKE x100. Dad's scrambling but so far no luck and the day is almost over. At least we sent her flowers, I picked them out, Iris's... they are pretty. Anyways... I hope they DO go on vacation, even just to stay at the house in NM, they both need to get away & quick before Texas and it's hectic schedule eats them and their marriage whole. I know it's the expectation this kills holidays for her... how badly you want things to be picture perfect and ready for print and then being face with the obvious reality that even with the best intentions, it's not. I know she can't handle any more disappointment when daily reality is disappointing enough. Even if I'm wrong, I wish holidays didn't exist that no day was more important than another so that this was avoided completely.

H always talks about how fun birthdays are, I just find them stressful. Closer to 30, to being older than old, to being faced with the fact that my life is not going as planned that I'll be too old to have a baby w/o fertility treatments or something equally extreme and expensive that I'm just another year closer to being cripple, another day closer really. I'm not old enough to be this... old. I can't help being paranoid about my health- hi cancer- and I'm convinced by organ systems are just shutting down slowly. I know it sounds paranoid but I've even been mulling over the idea of going to see my OB/GYN, I haven't been in a few years and my cramps have become so extreme... it worries me. I can't fathom how devastated I would be if when H and I got to where we were ready to have baby I found out I couldn't... I don't want to have to fathom it. I know that my weight issues and disordered eating can play a serious issues too but I think that's only if you are underweight when you are ttc, i don't think prior weight issues play a part, I'm choosing to think that they don't because I am not ready to gain weight yet.

In barn news, had to drop 350$ on the stupid asshole jumper of mine to crib proof his stall. Effing airy, he's lucky he's cute. Mom wasn't thrilled about going with me for that, I know she likes the horses, sort of but she's effing judgmental about the money I spend on them. It's totally normal for someone to shit out thousands of dollars on a child but not on my horses... kinda hate to break it to her but as of right now, it looks like the horses are the only grandkids she's getting for a while.

Anyways, happy 57 birthday Mom.

for every hand extended another lies in wait

if there's anything i've learned all these years on my own it's how to find my own way there and how to find my own way back home

Being in the hospital kinda fucked up my posting groove. Oops. Someone hit the reset button on my life any ways, the hiatus was cleansing for the sake of the blog I guess.

Where to even start? For starters my back still blows, potentially (probably) it was the catalyst for everything that happened next. Camp started without any real hitch aside from breaking my thumb which was drama but that's not what this is about. Bad back, broken thumb, and then I stopped getting paid.. not suddenly, it was so gradual I didn't notice until suddenly my checks where 236$ for 7days a week work. At that point I guess I snapped. I talked to my Dad who is a VP at Blank Blank Ins. and he got me an interview which I nailed and landed a job as an underwriters assistant on track for finishing my degree (finally) and becoming an Underwriter... even outside of that there is an incredible amount of opportunity for promotion, it's a grade higher than the position my dad started with when he was my age and he does quite well. Anyways... I took the job, I quit the gym and the camp and the horses and... I packed my shit and moved back home. So starts the next chapter I'll call "J get's her shit together"

I moved the horses home, Airy is at HV, Jovie, Daphne & Dexter are in Little Mexico... YES JOVIE IS BACK!!!! I live home with my parents again, they just helped me pay off all of my debt so that I could pass the credit check for my job and I'll be paying them off for the rest of forever... I decided to get a head start on it and pay them in huge sums and just live at home. I'm 25, I have shit to do other than pay my parents back. Also, I hate owing them money.

H moved in with R (FINALLY SHE'S HERE) and it's so nice being only 30 minutes away instead of hours. I wish I was more enthusiastic about moving in with her now- it would make sense.. but I'm not. I DO want to live with her, my god I have all these plans... I just think you shouldn't move in with someone until you've been together a year.. AND when I move in with her, I want US to move into OUR place, not me move in with her in R. I like R lots, I think he's the coolest gay boy around but this thing with them living together, that's for them, they've planned it since they where tot's from what it sounds like and I'm not in any mood to be the asshole girlfriend who got in the way.

So, that's where we are on that. I love the crap out of her, I can't wait until we live together, except I can.. because I'd rather us be together for ever than live together now.

No one person has ever made me happier...

i know my body is as restless as my mind..

This is not what I get to see every day for a while (this picture) so I just... look at all the pictures I have. And I haven't updated because I haven't wanted to. This blog was kind of my way to document a positive progression of my life and this, this is me standing still.

I went in for a basic procedure, a medial branch nerve block. I woke up screaming. Something went wrong, no one knows what. Perhaps an impure substance (sodium bicarbonate vs lidocaine maybe) or maybe a major nerve branch was nipped or irritated. Whatever it was, it put me in the hospital for 5 days on some serious pain meds and still in horrible pain, I couldn't walk, lost control of my right leg, and if it weren't for my parents, a few of their amazing friends and for me, most unexpectedly, Heather... I don't know. I would have blown air through my iv and embolized, I was that miserable. Now, home, not walking, not at the farm, home alone with my mother.... I kind of wish I had.

I was using a walker and I'm happy to say I'm not any more. Thats a HUGE accomplishment. But every step hurts and while every increased does of neurontin decreases the pain my brain is fuzzy and I really have a hard time even staying awake. I'm between doses, 3 hours until my nightitme dose and I'm sort of awake enough to get this done, so far it's taken me 30 minutes to get this far. This sucks.

See that, that was a 20 minute break and I don't know what the point of writing this was. I'm freaking out. I can't move well, I hurt, I'm off balance, I'm watching my dad REALLY not be able to move and... I'm freaking out because what if this is my life? Am I always going to hurt like this? I know H thinks it's weird I think so far ahead (5 years isn't far away) but good lord, if I'm like this now, and I want kids then and I don't get better... is it even fair for me to have kids if I'm liked this? ESPECIALLY kids genetically related to me? They would be doomed to pain, my dad used to be an athlete, he played soccer for UCONN until he busted his shoulder and it was down hill from there. I started a little younger displacing a peice of my spine falling off the beam when I was 4. Then fractured growth plated in my heels from vaulting hard on them, then it was blown joints in my thumbs doing a basket toss cheerleading resulting in multiple surgeries. Then it was a torn meniscus in my left knee doing an X out cheerleading. Then I tore the same thing kayaking. Then I broke my wrist/elbow falling off a horse. Then I broke my wrist falling off a horse. Then I broke the same damn wrist falling off a horse. Then I got kicked in the back by a horse and cracked my scapula, dislocated my shoulder and broke mycollar bone. for the second time actually, I forgot to add the first time I broke it being flung over a jump. And I'm forgetting a lot because after a while breaking things got normal. I rode hard, and auction horses are crazy. You don't know what you are getting on till you get on it and even the ponies will kill you. Anyways... now, this.

My back. Facet syndrome. Something else we can't pin point. A torn labrum in my right hip in an injury I don't even remember. Pain I can't handle. Pain pills I can handle even less. Doctors I can;t afford and now maybe my parents can't afford either because my asshat drug addict brother keeps racking up bills at treatment centers then leaving them and fucking everyone over, plus leaving my parents with the bill cause you know, if they don't cure you, you still have to pay. with interest. I fucking hate him. I hate him. I hate that I share genes with, I hate that when I have kids, if I have kids which god, I just can't ever be ok with it any more, if i have kids they might be like him and I would have to kill it. (haha. should I joke about that? I am) but really... i can't handle it. I'm 25 and I guess this is me getting old but I don't see anyone else my age weaning themselves off a walker. And I can't have kids 1. if they are going to be in this much pain and 2. if they are going to wind up like my brother. And my parents, I mean no one is perfect but they did the very best they could and we had an awesome childhood. He has no reason for this.

I dont want to post about him but mom and dad are slamming around the house because of recent developments and while I don't blame them for being upset, me being stuck on my back makes me kind of a target though, mom gets mad and forgets this isn't a choice, I'm not being lazy. I wish I was at the farm, or the gym, or doing anything but laying on my back being a fucking slug.

I started this blog to track a positive progression towards the life I want to live. Different from the one I was raised in NOT THAT HOW I WAS RAISED WAS BAD... I just have some other ideas.

Some days I feel like everything is going right, I have the most amazing girlfriend who has handled this new injury or whatever with so much grace and love I can't even fathom why she's still with me, she's perfect, and that I found her when I did... when I was moments away from really believing that wasn't possible, that I couldn't feel anything for anyone, emotionally and.... you know, other ways too. And then there was her who I just couldn't resist and that sounds so cliche but I couldn't, as soon as she walked through the door my brain went blank. I could have said I love you the fist night we slept together except how stupid would that have been, I didn't know her really... but I knew I was going to love her, I already loved everything I has seen to that point. And so she thinks I like her because she fit into my plan... but... well I can't help that I plan, and I especially cannot help that she fits. perfectly.

But what doesn't fit is everything else. The back. The pain, the laying in bed...

I'm freaking out, I dont think this blog makes any sense at all. It took me all day to write.

Jasper the wonder horse... and bodyguard

I have to share this… I’m just a little bit in awe right now.

This picture I took from way on the other side of the field and didn’t really see what I was shooting until I put them on my computer. I thought maybe it was just a fluke shot and Jasper wasn’t actually doing what it looks like he’s doing but it looks like he’s protecting Daphne and tonight I saw up close very in your face proof… and Airy is still shaking his head.

Airy did great turning out with them, he dealt with being ignored by annoying the shit out of the pony trying to sniff her. She ran circles around Jasper keeping away and he some how kept himself between the two and it was clearly intentional. Tonight I heard the pony squealing, got paranoid about coyotes and decided to bring her and Jasper inside. I went to catch them and went for the pony first I started to walk off with her and Airy began to follow… almost instantly Jasper turned and was in his face and Airy promptly stopped, I think out of shock. I at this point am walking backward leading the pony watching this. Jasper walks his circle, Airy starts to follow us, this time at his cranky trot and Jasper at a bucking gallop charged Airy in the face, bit him and then stood like a brick wall. Airy responded by yelling like a dinosaur and running off into the darkness. Jasper sensed victory and trotted up behind Daphne and followed her into the barn and then went and stood by his closed stall.

o.O

An open green pasture, a bitchy pony and Jasper is a new horse. It amazes me he can't see, I couldn't believe how many different ways he's adapted to his blindness.... and I have no idea how he knew where Airy was to charge him.

When I got them into the barn I put Daphne in her stall first and then put Jasper in his. He’s been running into his wall divind them since then and I am kind of worried about that… he’s way to attached. I’d leave them together but I don’t want her to surprise me with a foal and then he trample it cause he’s blind.

mini break barn talk

Jasper and the pony are a match made in horsey heaven. She's a little bitch but is so sweet to him, and he likes having a lady around so much he actually bucked a little when I turned them out today which is a really good sign.. the fact that he is happy and comfortable enough to jump makes me so happy. I'm going to add Airy to the herd this evening after dinner, I feel like the three of them are all outcasts in the normal groups so maybe together they can make their own field.

It's almost the kentucky derby! I'm not looking forward to it near as much as I was but I think it was just miscommunication, I'm not upset about it. I kinda was... but eh, there are just so many other more important things on my mind right now. I have to help at the shop tonigh

t packaging the stable vests and saddle towels for the big race, it's a little bit exciting being such a direct (if overlooked & very small) part of such a historic race. I'm not looking forward to the extra hours though... unless I make good money but I probably won't.

Today has been such a pretty day so obviously I had a ton to get done... it's 3pm and I'm finally sitting down for a nice break and I don't think I've spoke a word to anyone all day, it gets pretty lonely except for the horses. It's especially hard on Tuesdays because I get so used to having H here Sunday and Monday.. It's nice when she's here, she actually enjoys (I think?) some of the farm stuff and I know it's not the most exciting life but at least it's pretty and I think she sees that. I like watching her have conversations with the horses, it's pretty adorable and they all really like her probably because she doesn't make them do anything, she just loves on them and gives them treats. This is going to be my life forever... the horses and the barn etc and i

t's really nice to know that she really is ok with being part of that. I want her to be able to have Dabber eventually. He's got a ways to go, he's so fresh off track but I feel like he's super sane and quiet and she loves him lots.. Boomer is a nice learning horse but I like fancy, Dabber is fancy.

It's almost time to feed, I'm going to take a super quick nap. I gave Airy and

Dabber baths & fly treatments today and Airy already rolled... I should give him another bath just to piss him off. He's such an ass. I'm kind of tired of his bad attitude lately... I know it's because we haven't been jumping, he isn't in consistent training and I'm still feeding him up.. he's bored and hyper and 8, he should be showing his prime but we are still a year and a half behind because of injury and lack of time.. I feel badly about that, he's so incredible he should be working forward right now not getting fat and squishy in a field with a blind horse and knocked up hussy of a shetland.

girlfriend weekend!

it's girlfriend weekend! And I'm going to Falls! It's going to be really nice to get out of Mckinney & away from the farm too...

All I have to do before I leave is teach and hopefully get my car inspected (I REALLY can't afford to get pulled over right now..)

I FINALLY got the rest of my ebay stuff in... can't wait to dress Airy up in his pretty new stuff!!!! I'm most excited about the trail riding saddle pad w/ water proof pockets. How convenient :D

insomnia speaks

It's almost midnight and I have to be at the gym fairly early tomorrow morning to teach the youngest of my classes and here I am wide awake. This is becoming more and more a theme as bad dreams are becoming more and more frequent and I don't want to fall asleep.

Bad dreams have been just another part of my life since I don't know how long and I am not really upset by them, I just don't like waking up from them and it always take me a minute to separate what happens in dreams to what is actually happening in real life.

Anyways, I don't want to talk about them, I'd just like them to stop and the only reason I'm having them is because I'm fucking stressed and tired and whenever I am really tired my body says hey, nows a good time for that insomnia to kick in. arrhhh.

Let's talk about Jasper. He's doing REALLY well in TK in the camp horse paddock and I am really really proud of him for being so brave. I wonder how much he can see and what other sense he's using to get around because for being as close to totally blind without being totally blind as he is... he gets around REALLY well... he avoids hitting fences and trees especially well for not seeing them. I saw a biker who was blind and used a human form of echolocation... maybe Jasper has some neat system too. It makes me really mad that he wouldn't be blind if the trailer driver hadn't been drunk, he was a really talented horse and then he was worthless to his old owners. When I bought him I thought he would be a useless pet I have no idea what I thought I was going to do with him after I boug

ht him... but then he has turned out to be the best lesson horse IN THE WORLD.

Now, the horses are.. two rescues, Jasper(appaloosa) and Daphne(shetlandX).. Boomer (quarter horse)... Apollo friesien/appaloosa X and Airy, Rogue, and Atlas (thoroughbreds.. OTTB) and then the colts, Rumor, Luke & Tripp, the filly Teddy and the two retired broodmares Truvie and Luisa. Then of course there is Sugar the goat who is a gypsy.. she goes where ever she wants but mostly sticks with Apollo. We have 4 empty pastures and I'm trying to lease them out to other retired horses like the broodmares to make a bit of extra $ for the farm. The colts should be moving on to trainers soon, so should the filly. Once they go I'm going to really rearrange the horses and get them into groups of 3.. Rogue, Boomer Apollo.. Jasper, Airy, Apollo.. the rest I'm not sure of.

Anyways I should try to sleep.

Pony news, rizotomy and other things

Well, Daphne is knocked up. I think so anyways. Did I already post about this? I swear to Dog I have alzheimers. Sorry H, I really may be your Meredith instead of your Callie.

We thought she was much closer to giving birth than she is, so now she's at the farm in TK being a cranky prego eating grass and terrorizing the goat who really only wants to be her friend. Don't make friends with a prima dona. I'm really happy she's safe in TK now as opposed to being in Plano which now that all my horses are out of their I can recognize it as the hell hole it is and I feel terrible I ever subjected me horse to that.
All the kids love her though, she did great on her first lesson and I can't wait for this summer when she's all groomed and pretty and with a precious baby angel at her side. I don't know if I will keep the baby or not. H wants to, and for her, I might. Plus... it's kind of precious that both these little ponies, assuming I keep the baby, will be what our kids learn to ride on. I love Daphne for that, if I had a kid already and was looking for a pony she would have been what I wanted... so, win win situation over her. If the baby is as cute as she is than how much fun will it be breeding, raising and training the horse my future kid will show? I love it. I'm a fucking geek.

I'm having the rizotomy done on my back, it's official. I'm happy about it, but more than anything I'm kind of devastated... not that I am having it done but that I HAVE to have it done to function normally. I'm 25 and that is not fair. Why is my body so busted up? Yeah I have had a bunch of injuries but this isn't fair.

How much longer till H lives here? Too long. I'm in a bad mood and she's 2.5 hours away, all I want to do is go hug her, hard, and then go about my day. Thats all I need, and she's too far away. And when she is here... well i'm stressing about that too but I'll save that for another post.

Daphne the Pony!

Holy potato, we got a pony!!!

I used to work for Crowley's Horse Auction and my old boss, Alice came in to town to buy cutting horses at the Fort Worth Stockyards and see the NCHA finals. She went to the consignment auction and saw this unbelievably adorable little mare who when the guy walked her in, he then stood on her back and cracked a bull whip off her... she didn't flinch. Good pony. Alice knows me really well, knows I like what she calls "exotics" and bid on her knowing I'd take her in two hot seconds. Which I did.

I got to the stockyards the next day and went to look at her... brought H.. maybe a mistake, she's never been to a sale yard and I did not prepare her properly. The first pen we walked up to was a kill pen.. not directly of course, you can't sell horses to kill anymore but you know where they will end up. The pen was maybe 15x15, dirt with cement water troughs that where not only empty but unplugged... water had no way of staying in even if someone wanted to fill it. No food, just dust. 7 horses where crammed in, all older & swaybacked except for one that looked like a fairly well bred standardbred in need of serious groceries. The pen next to them was same size and set up & had three palomino yearlings I couldn't even try to guess the breed of because they where so shrimpy from malnourishment. Across from them was Daphne, my pony and in the situation she looked just as pathetic as everyone else... we hoped that was situational but upon closer inspection she's in terrible shape. Her heels don't exist, her frog is completely compacted. She's got thrush in all four feet. She was 4 inches overgrown. She's about 75 pounds underweight and considering the size that's a pretty significant amount, the weight issue is probably only because she's wormy though. Finally, it's obvious that someone put a saddle on her, tight, and left it. She has bloody open cinch gulls and rot from the saddle staying on her back too long. I think she was probably on a pony wheel or something similar.

Personality, she's stand offish right now, but that didn't stop her from standing in the middle of our conversation the day we got her.. she will open up a lot I think.

I need to measure and see how tall she is, we've been trying to figure out the breed, the one time I rode her she seemed gaited but we where on weird footing. Can't wait to be back near Vale so I can go play with her.

an observation on bugs and baby kitty!

I'm waiting for H to finish lunch with her friends so that we can go look at a pony @ the fort worth stockyards. National Velvet is on tcm right now... my favorite movie of all time, ever. Anyways, Mike, the trainer lives in this precious loft thingy in the barn right next to Pie's stall.

It's adorable and his blankets are just laying there like spiders aren't going to find their way in and that stresses me out.

My apartment is attached to the barn and I don't like turning lights on bright after dark because the bugs are just ridiculous. H has a heart attack every time she's just getting better at hiding it. They have only just started being bad but still... I'm jealous of Mike in the barn before bugs.

After we go see the pony we are going to pick up Lilly our 3wk old rescue kitten. Kind of excited :)

Also... watching Elizabeth Taylor/Velvet Brown and I'm crying just a little bit... She's the first true idol of mine who I actually remember being alive.. Lucille Ball and Audrey Hepburn, even Katherin Hepburn I barely remember but Elizabeth Taylor is the reason I loved horses, National Velvet is what really made me fall in love with the sport and I don't know... because of that I guess I have sort of a special fondness for her as an equestrian.

"I hate the feeling that not everything is possible"

Ah. My life.

I'm not near as upset as I am acting, I guess thats exhaustion talking. I can't change the past, it's not like me to be ashamed.

So, today I'm going to maybe buy a pony with money I shouldn't be spending but I REALLY want a pony, need a pony. Something that could be a unicorn like Jewel was. Kids like unicorns, I like moneymakers ;)

I am terrified of dying young. I want to cram everything in, I'm terrified of my parents dying or my grandparents dying and not being proud of me for something. I guess H thinks I rush... but I'm 25, before I was 21 I was told I was going to die and I didn't.... I take life seriously, and the time I might not have. Not that she doesn't. But I know how close death is, I could relapse whenever C feels like coming back... or die in a car crash like Corbins friend did ON HER BIRTHDAY, yesterday. It's not up to me, what is up to me is what I do with my life while I'm healthy and here. That I might NOT get to do everything... makes me panic. It makes me sad, I can't help that I plan everything so I know that it's going to happen, even if not soon, I'm planning it and somehow that will keep it from being taken from me.

I don't get it either, don't worry :)

can't we just erase the past?

I wish I could say I understood every choice I make, I don't.

I wish I could say I stand behind every choice I've made, I can't.

I learned along time ago thought that if i don't ever tell anyone about the past, then the only person it lives in is me, and I can forget almost anything... but I made a mistake and I said to much and H did more math than I planned on and I can't get passed the creepy crawly feeling that she knows my darkest moment.

Maybe not my darkest, I've done some very bad things. But.. this, this was something I may have controlled a tiny bit, creating the scenario I guess... I didn't have any control over what happened and what happened was the worst memory I still can't block out.

I've methodically forgotten my life, little things, important things that make me sad I know they where there, I remember... but the images, sounds... everything, even names and faces sometimes... gone. I did that, I did that on purpose and I've worked on it every day since I was small. I don't want to see my past, and now this, H knows and now it won't ever be gone I won't be able to forget.

I feel disgusting.

She thinks it's ok she knows that it's good and that I'm ok now... but i'm not. I'm freaking out, I want to be out of my skin.

if yesterday was busy, today is hell.

Ahh those 30 minutes of calm before I start rushing around the farm like a mad woman.

Today is Peytons big day, he's moving to Plano, we gave him to Judi finally after lots of debate... she's promised to keep him on the same food we have him on currently and I know i'll be able to follow his progress.

Since the two barns are a few hours apart I've decided to move Jasper tonight instead of next month as well. I hate loosing the money I paid for him to be there but I dont feel like stressing about moving him later on. Plus, I never see him any more, and this farm is way, way nicer, I want him on good grass and with Apollo.

Today's Todo

1. Move Teddy & Atlas
2. Find water buckets
3. Strip Rumor & Tripps stalls
4. Pick the other stalls!
5. Ace peyton @ 10
6. Turn Dabber & Airy out for 30
7. Hand graze Tripp
   
8. Tuck everyone in for the Storms
9. Load and Deliver Peyton
10. Homeschoolers Gymnastics and Coaching till 8!
11. Loading Jasper, delivering him to TBE.

I should be done by midnight. EH.

On another, much more happy not.. it's almost girlfriend weekend! AND WE GET 5 WHOLE DAYS THIS TIME!

A busy day at the farm, more nightmares & TO-DO

It's a pretty morning on the farm, I took 1/2 my adhd medication so I know I'm going to get a ridiculous amount done, I can take a moment to sit down and blog. I'm going to try and start recording to-do lists here too... I like looks at old to do lists, I like knowing my day to day in the past, weird?

The picture is Airy & Teddy. Airy is my personal Jumper, he's 8 and sassy. Teddy is his 2yr old half sister. She's since ditched this field too the one behind it. See that looping white line? The one that looks like it's coming undone? That's why she could switch pastures... the effing tape comes loose any time it's windy. I live in the middle of Texas, ITS ALWAYS WINDY. 25% of my day is dedicated to fixing fences.

H keeps having these off nightmares.. I figured out what thay are about.. me leaving her for my best friend, who happens to be a guy. C is awesome, but really? I know it bothers her that he and I slept together. ONCE. I never imagined the psychological effect this would have on her though... I guess it's because of all the straight girls she "dated" who eventually went back to boys. I don't know. That's not me. I wish she would stop associating me with that, sub conscious or not. Only time, only time. It's a lame fucking mantra. I guess he's out for a bd haha. She's only said a million times she wants it to be someone as far removed from us as possible. I get it.

C is on his was here actually... He comes every Wednesday-Thursday.

Today:

1. Move Apollo and Boomer to Rogue's pasture
2. Strip Tripp's stall
3. Pick Airy, Dabber & Rumors stalls
4. Bail Gelding pasture troughs
5. Show groom Rogue, Apollo, Boomer & Airy
6. Brush out Tripp, Rumor, Luke, Dabber
7. Pasture groom Truvie & Luisa
8. TexasBestEquestrian blog
9. C's paper

And away I go..

Life at the farm, and avoiding the doctor.

It's finally not windy at the farm and while I should be enjoying this time riding... I'm sitting on my bum blogging because I rolled my stupid ankle, again. Because rolling it twice in a short period of time is... fantastic.

The picture is Airy. I'll do a post about him one day soon. I should maybe do a little bio on all the horses here. Not that any one reads this, it will be fun when I'm old.

All the horses are fed, stalls are mucked and Tripp, LC, Rumor, Dabber and Airy are all inside for the night. Tripp will be in for a while now since he's come up lame, and of course he has... he WAS supposed to leave for the trainers soon.

All day it's been like musical pastures. First I woke up to Tripp not in his stall, I guess he got fed up with being in all day yesterday and busted out. Silly thoroughbred mouths can work any lock. Lucky me he didn't go to far, just to the nearest green grass. When I went to get him I noticed Teddy wasn't in her pasture with Rogue... she went UNDER the fence to join the geldings and her brother Atlas. Decided to leave her there since now that Atlas is occupied with a lady Boomer and Apollo aren't getting picked on.... this all leaves on small problem though, Rogues broken heart.

Hopefully we will find a sweet little paint mare for Tricia that can be his new soulmate since Teddy is a hussy.

Airy is slowly but surely gaining weight, I can't see so much of his ribs now and this is why we decided NOT to give Peyton to Judi. As a trainer I have full faith in her, but the barn is not good enough for any of our horses, I won't be bringing Airy back either... love the location and the people, hate the lack of grass. And the dust. And Peyton would freak like Airy and Atlas did and loose a ton of weight which is wrong to do to the horse. If we where a OTTB rescue a home visit would be required and NO ONE would pass those pastures. So, maybe I have another horse to show... when I get money to do it again :/

Tripp being lame kinda sucks, I hope it's just an abscess.

H had a nightmare and she won't tell me what about but it's put her in a weird mood... she said she would tell me if it was bothering her still when she got home. Besides thinking it's funny she puts so much into what dreams mean, I wish she would stop dreaming bad things about me! I know it's out of some insecurity she isn't speaking up about and I wish she knew how much I love her.... I know I've dated, loved two people before her... but at 25 that's kind of the norm and considering I was with them each for well over a year I should hope I loved them! It would mean something was horribly wrong if I didn't... and loving them doesn't somehow make insignificant how much I love her. If I hadn't fallen in love, then out of love with Molly and Jacline I wouldn't know how REAL falling in love with her was.

I wish she didn't worry so much. I guess only time can fix that.

AND the doctor.. I don't want to go. So I'm not. The end.

no answers

Ultrasound showed a seriously inflamed lymphnode and I have been put on a super tough antibiotic that is making me feel like crap for 10 days to see if it helps reduce inflamation at all... if it does, undetected and unknown but also unimportant inefection... if not.. we start testing for real. fun times. There is this dad in the gym super baby talking this tiny baby, it's kind of precious. The baby could not be any less interested in him. It's girlfriend weekend! How many more of these till H lives here? I need to start an official count. I'm tired, and tired of people. I want to go back to the farm and my horses. I want to know why I am so tired. In other news, my level 3's did fantastic at their meet last night, I had to be in the gym coaching so I couldn't go... friday night meets suck.

chart up your insides

Once upon a time I had cancer. A really weird chemo and radiation reistant kind that resulted first in a death sentence and then, thanks to same brilliant doctors, a massive surgery to remove it along with most of my trachea. Every cough makes me nervous now because thats how it all started.. with a cough. I don't have the same cough, I have A cough, which I always have. What I do have however is lump in my throat, under my chin.. that area. It makes me nervous, it makes H nervous so I finally went to the dr. today and of course it made her nervous too... so off to the radiology to find out just what it is. Now, history shows that is will be nothing. Millions of scares, only ONE has been cancer so no reason for this silly little lump to be any different but I'm nervous anyways. It's there and it shouldn't be... that scares me, even if it's nothing. My appt is 4:15 which makes 4:20 a little hard to hit today, and no joke, I need the anxiety help :(

Here we are looking happy ;)

I love you, i don't like you

That about sums up me and mom. Things have been good for a while though, she even seemed to really be starting to like H but it was too good to last, of course. I wish I knew another couple who has "inlaws" like my parents. Mom is mean. She has polluted more than one relationship. I don't want her to make H bitter because she wont ever be able to win her over...not because she isn't an amazing person but because my mom historically has hated everyone I date. At least it doesn't bother or surprise me anymore.. at least I know she's wrong.

My love is not a flaw

I know I’m not perfect. I make mistakes, big ones. I don’t always work as hard as I should and I’m really disorganized. I can be petty, immature, selfish and narcissistic. I know this, I know who I am, but I also know that while I can BE those things I am NOT these things… and I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE.

Please, show me a person who isn’t some of those things, some of the time… that’s what being human is about… that’s what being 25 is about. Nobody is at their best all the time, if they are i’m sure they died at an early age of an ulcer or something.

Petty, immature, selfsih… flaws. GAY?

This. is. not. a. flaw.

I will not be ashamed.

If i live my life closeted then I tell the world I am ashamed, that I have something to hide. The only thing to be hidden is bigotry and I do not want to be involved with people who want me to hide who I am. I want kids, I want a family, I want a LIFE with my girlfriend and I am NOT ashamed of that. When we have kids, I won’t pretend I’m single just because two moms makes someone uncomfortable. I don’t get how you want me to hide something so important? What’s important isn’t that she’s a she, what’s important is that she makes me unbelievably happy.

My mom only had two kids, my and my drug addicted piece of shit brother whose ass she kisses. She wants grandkids, I'm the only kids she has who will ever have a normal family and at this rate, she isn't going to be part of it. I will not ever fight with my kids like this, or let them see this between me and my mother, EVER.

I wish i didn't live in Texas, I miss NYC where this wasn't a big deal.

Weekends

Yay for weekends, H is coming to town! Long distance... eh. I mean, I'm all for it in a new relationship, I think when you only have the phone and internet to communicate with you are forced, as a couple to actually learn things about each other instead of doing fun things like making out ;) It's been long enough, we know each other well enough, it's not like we didn't know each other before we dated... I've knowns her for 8years, it's only the relationship is new... and I'm ready to have her closer to me than 3 hours away. I have plans for us, plans that involve forever and I'm not going to sacrifice that just so we can be closer now- I really think our snails pace is what will make us last and be amazing but I'm tired of it too. I want her to live with me, now, not next summer. I want her to live near me, NOW not in June. I want our lives together to start already... I love that we are both mature enough to put work first.... but I miss her when she's away. When she moves here in June I'll be so busy with horses and campers I will hardly have time/energy to celebrate... Almost time to coach the 3yr olds.. this next class is the one where one of the girls fell off the deck on to the one bit of cement in the whole entire gym and knocked three teeth out. Today is her first day back and her dad wants to talk to me. She got hurt because she went where she had been told not to go but still... she's 3 and I'm pretty sure her dad is going to kill me.

Follow my life in pictures..

if you want to follow the horse and my professional life, check it @ thecityhorse.tumblr.com

A blog that isn't Tumblr

My tumblr is a little too public, I like having the followers and the support but... I don't need to broadcast everything to 1,000+ people.

I never thought twice about holding hands, kissing her on the cheek, being lovey in public... it never occured to me that my happiness would piss someone off... maybe now, being at my happiest I'm more aware of the stares, the sneers, the dirty looks and comments whispered behind hands that we are freaks. If I wasn't holding hands with my girlfriend most of these people would treating me with respect, even if it's only out of class initimidation... that sounds god awful but I'm aware of it... as a 20something white female Brooke Shields look alike I'm not really a big candidate for being discriminated against until you add in the Lesbian factor and while I used to carry my white girl privelege as a shield, I'm noticing that the effectivness is only in my mind, being gay erases anything positive about me, us, in the eyes of everyone.

I'm having a hard time coming to terms with that. Parents of students who love me as a coach would hate me as a person because I love; I am in love with another woman. Clients who respect me as a horse trainer would treat me as a second class citizen if they knew I wasn't the same as them... and I'm not secretive, I live my life out, but people are blind until it's in their face and I'm becoming more and more stressed and depressed over this... how could we ever have a baby knowing we would bring her in to a world where she will already be hated because of her two mom's? I want to be that family, happy baby, loving parents, stable home... but because I want that with H... we are going to hell, or are unfit to be parents?

I don't understand how our LOVE invokes so much hate.